Sunday, October 24, 2010

God's Two Big Mistakes


Yes, without doubt, God made two mistakes in our community and we are paying for them every day. With my unlimited power as a blogger I intend to correct this dreadful miscarriage of propriety. We will simply ignore the fact that such events ever occurred. It is within my authority. This is MY blog.

What is that you say? God can't make a mistake. I beg to differ with your judgment. He not only does, He has, and I have the proof. You can’t argue with me because if you are looking at this computer screen it is very likely you have personally experienced this theocratic screw up. Have you tried entering information for an online purchase, entered your residence as Winston-Salem, and it refused to accept your entry? It responds that it does not recognize your city. Well, that’s it, you are paying for God's mistake, the dastardly DASH. What does that have to do with God? Everything, following the direction of God's lead, local authorities and local voters blessed us with this dastardly DASH. Still don’t accept that God can make mistakes? Apparently you haven't spent time in His Holy Book. God not only has made mistakes but he has regretted some of his actions. I can speak with all honesty when I say that God might should give serious thought to many of his actions recorded in His book and repent. In today's society, should he act the same, we would prosecute him for war crimes and much, much more. Don't look at me like I am a fool. When your bright red gold embossed (with your name) bible is tattered and falling apart from leather cover to the missing rear cover you will have the right to lecture me about God. How many times have you read yours? Meanwhile you will simply need to accept what I am telling you. The dastardly DASH is God's fault.

Here is how this travesty began: God directed the diligent, resourceful, pious, charitable, stoic, sometime insistent and irritating, Christian, Unitas Fratrum (Moravians to you) to construct a communal town in North Carolina, under theocratic authority, called Salem. The church owned everything, governed everything and everyone. Trees were felled in what would be Salem in 1766. The first women arrived, the first baby born and the sites for the tavern and graveyard staked in 1770. Since the beginning of the Moravian settlements in North Carolina, when they surveyed their track in Anson County, as the population grew Anson was divided into Rowan, then Surry, then Stokes. By 1849 it was time to divide again and the occupants of Salem would find themselves in their fifth county.

First Mistake: Salem being the largest settlement, it was only common sense for it to become the county seat of this new county and such was the state's intention. God, and the Moravians had other ideas. Supposedly public flogging was a common punishment in county seats. These pious Moravians did not care for whipping posts in their community. At least that is the public story. On court days county seats tended to attract a sorted lot of low life merrymaking visitors. It appears that the highly religious, controlling, Christians didn’t much care for such in their quiet religious community. Following much prayer, discussion and possibly the casting of lots (a common method of Moravian communication with God in the early years), or whatever other methods they may have used the authorities were directed by God (they did nothing without his involvement) to reject the offer to host the county seat. They did agree to sale adjacent land for the formation of a new town. Whipping posts, a short walk next door in a town by another name, are not the same as whipping post in the town square. The brethren sold 51 ¼ acres. adjacent to and on the North side of (TOUCHING!) Salem, to the new county for $265.00. Hence, the birth of Winston, by God’s own design, divided from Salem by what we know now as First Street. Don’t you wish you had a part in the return on that investment! How much are those improved 51 ¼ acres worth today?

The Second Mistake: The town of Winston was slow progressing but ultimately became a thriving industrial community safely situated literally next door to God’s pious people in Salem. Interestingly, many of those pious folk became successful and wealthy operating business next door to God’s neighborhood. If someone needed whipping, not a problem, take them a brief walk down the street! By 1913 apparently God realized his first mistake. What had become a reality, by it’s own aggressive development, became official through God’s direction, in the vote of the people. The dastardly DASH was added and the God forsaken in Winston and God’s people in Salem became one.

There is nothing like fixing your first screw up with a second. Couldn’t they have simply merged into one community called Winston or Salem? Why did both need to survive? Why do we all refer to Salem as Old Salem? Where is the New Salem? That’s another story. The first action, leading to having two cities side by side, was later corrected by adding this dastardly DASH. My always proper spouse says it is a hyphen, but what the heck do they know! If it is a hyphen our new/old ball team would have one major dumb name, as if the one they took on isn't dumb enough. Who has a town consisting of two names with a DASH in between? Apparently few since today's advanced computer technology doesn’t have the capacity to  deal with this problem consistently. You would think that God, being omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient God only wise, would have foreseen such a problem when this all began and allowed Salem to be the County seat. Wouldn't that have been much simpler than to cause such a problem for hundreds of thousands of people with that D--n DASH?

Think of all of the trouble those two mistakes have caused. There are two, very successful, competing cigarette brands everyone thinks our city was named after. How many folk has that killed made wealthy? Then there is the new mega million dollar baseball park for the new DASH baseball team. As if the name Warthogs wasn't enough of a disgrace. Without God's screw ups there would be no DASH. There was a major movement years ago to fix this screw up, apparently lead by some of the Winston side’s high rolling pecker-woods. Following the success of the fastest selling cigarette in the world, the group thought changing the overly complex, confusing name to simply Camel would be a good idea. Camel City, how neat is that? The Camel’s, now that’s an appropriate name for a baseball team. That didn't make it to the finish line.

Being the rebellious SOB that I am I have decided to simply turn back the clock, forgive God for all of his screw ups, as he has taught us, and refuse to acknowledge Winston or the dastardly DASH. I have fallen back to the original and appropriate name for our fair city, ordained by God himself, SALEM. I think he got it right before He started messing with it or someone wasn't paying attention to his desires. Hence the title of this blog "Walking Through Salem". Therefore this blog will cover our entire fair city including all of the reprobates in Winston, those on the DASH dividing line as well as the God fearing folk of what is now affectionately known as Old Salem. No Winston, no DASH, no Old Salem simply Salem for all inhabitants. Don’t like my reform, write your own D--n Blog. It's a new day in Salem.

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